Hamattarn

Hamattarn just arrived and it should have brought me joy.

But, the news is singing a different tune.

"The nation is going down," the news says. "And the developed world is getting tired of letting us in. We have to find our own way."

I am sitting in a ward and, thinking how to negotiate, how to breakthrough the chaos, how to find a way, out of the sinking ship.

I am still single yet, I  have intense fear about the future, intense regrets about missed opportunities, intense self loathing about the failures of the past and shaking my head, trying to avoid letting the tears fall.

There's enough misery in here and I'm trying not to complicate it for the suffering patients by letting my emotions show. Chief has always said that "the doctor shouldn't cry because the patient looks to him for hope." So, I am only letting the tears fall inside my soul. Not outside, through my eyes.

In the middle of it all, this very young pregnant girl walks in,  all smiles and giggly. Her clothes have the garish prettiness of cheap things. Her hair is poorly packed in a rough pony tail and the man that's by her side, her husband, is not older than I was in 4th year.  And from the tattered look, one can tell that he is poor. His hair looks weak and red. His facial bones are jotting out. They're signs of malnutrition.

Yet, he walks in, hand in hand with his wife, looking confident and accomplished. He is bouncy.

He is telling her that everything will be fine and that he'll soon finish paying for the Keke he is riding on hire purchase. He is telling her that they'll have another baby in two years time. He is telling her other things I can't hear now, because the babies have started crying, following their evening injections and, because my head is burning hotter.

I  stand up and walk outside, through the corridor and into the labour ward, where no one can see me. Then, I let the tears fall. I can feel my bones shaking. It feels like I'm left alone in a cold cold world.

Nightfall used to be my happiest moments of a day. But, not this one. Not tonight because, there's fire in my head when everyone else is smiling with the hamattarn cold.

"Sunshine and rain," plays in the background. It has a poignant sheen to it and it brings more tears.

I  wish I  could be like that girl, like her husband. I wish I were blind to the regrets from the past and fears about the future.

The song plays " Everything I need is everything you've got..... Sunshine and rain.... Make a beautiful thing."

I'll stay here,  with the tears, till the Theater is ready for the cesarean section.

" Sunshine and rain, make a beautiful thing," the song says.