A few paces away

I walked a few paces away.

Just like I felt that night in UNEC. That night of light showers and noise from the common rooms of all the male hostels, full of sweaty boys, watching the champions league final. That night that I tried to hold chisolum's hands and tell her how I felt about her.

It had taken ages for me to muster the courage,  the 'liver,' to finally approach her, after years of crushing over her, right from secondary school, at which time I couldn't talk to her because father Nkume had told me it was a sin. "You're too young to have a girlfriend," he had advised. "Face your studies, for now." I loved father and I  listened to every advice of his.

But now in college of medicine, encouraged by my bruh, Tony, I decided to make the move. I  was in final year and I was "ripe for even marriage," my guy had advised. "Go now, or you loose her to someone else."

I decided to make a move. I couldn't let myself lose her. I understood the consequences.

So, I called her and told her I was coming to see her, to tell her something very important. I was staying off campus then, having 'escaped' from the stifling UNEC environment, to the mountain where I thought I could breathe freely. Only love could bring me back so soon. Only chisolum.

***

When I came in, it was night time and UNEC was buzzing, in spite of the light drizzle and the heat. I had been in the state library since morning, making up lines with which to talk to her. But, when she called, my heart jumped on seeing her name across the screen of the Nokia phone. "You can come now," she said. How I loved to hear her voice.

I informed Tony but, he was busy watching the match so, I went alone. "My love for Barcelona is important to me. Go for your love,"  he had laughed at me.

I headed for Manuwa hostel in an instant, uncertain, though somehow, harbouring a formless hope that she was going to say yes. I was handsome, I knew. I was a church boy, a good boy and, I thought that those were enough to win her heart. Above all, I loved her. I was sure she knew that I loved her more than anyone else could. So, I went to Manuwa.

What I didn't know was that my love for her was greater than anything I'd ever felt. I didn't know it'd overwhelm me, until I was standing in front of her, in all her glamour: coffee brown eyes that melted my soul, dimples that made me weak, skin the colour of fresh milk plus, that killer figure and, that mischievous laughter that made her throw her head backwards.

I loved everything about her; I still do. So much that even now, I have some tears in my eyes, as I type because, after I did all my best to say it, making all the effort to slow my fast beating heart, to still my quivering lips, to calm my quaking knees,  stuttering, "I want you to....... to.... be.......my lady. I want you..... to.... to..... let me love you, to give you all the love in the world, to die for you, if need be....," I looked at her face but, instead of a smile and deep dimples, I caught only a sad frown. And a distant stare.

I knew that all was not well, could possibly, never be well again. I knew because that look in her eyes set a furious shock that would cripple me from then on, down my spine. I knew it at that instant. There are things we just know, before they happen.

My heart beat faster. My knees quaked harder. My breath got more rapid and raspy. I tried to look at the her but, she didn't let me see her face. I tried to run my fingers through her hair but, she moved her head away.

Then, she slowly pulled her hands away from mine, looking away from me, saying ruefully,a word at a time..... "Emeka, amag m, I don't know know what to say." Words she'd keep saying day after day, until wrapped in depression, I told her I was walking away and she said, angrily, that I  should if that was what I  wanted to do.

It soon began to rain and I reluctantly let her go back inside her room.

Then, I walked a few paces away and stood to watch her receding figure, while the rain fell on me. It fell fast and hard till it drowned the buzz and noise from the hostels. And somehow, I felt it- that that was the last time I'd love someone. Except her.

Believe me because, there were  so much more that happened that I can't say on this note. I'll tell the story probably, one day.

***

Others would come to me- other ladies who loved me. Amaka, Ijeoma, Ugo, Ammy, Chi, Onyinye, Ifunanya, Chioma, Grace, Jenny, Uche, etc but, I couldn't let anyone in because, I  couldn't just forget chisolum.

***

When earlier today, my best female friend rebuked me for still pinning for chisolum, asking me what kind of spell she'd cast on me, I wanted to tell her that at times, love just refuses to die. But, I decided not to  because I knew she'd never understand.

By the way, read these lines from "The concubine." You'll love them. Ekwueme reminds me a lot of myself.

That's little me. I love like a little boy.

©Nnaemeka Ugwu.
19th January 2017.