Oblivion

Oblivion

You're thinking about the one now lost in time. Grief overwhelmes you and you see the light no more.

But, you see the young girl coming towards your consulting room and she's laughing. She's obviously in a happy mood. And you wish her heart were yours. You need to smile.

When she comes to the table, you think she's ill but, she's not. She's just come to say 'thank you.' She has a sing song voice.

You remember her face now. She's the one who came some weeks ago with a skin condition. 'Rashes,' she called it and you assured her that she was going to be fine.

You ask her how she is doing and she says 'fine. It's gone.' Then in one breath, adds 'but, you've been unhappy, dear. You've been so unhappy and it's written all over your face. I've been watching you.'

She demands that you cheer up or at least tell her why you've been so unhappy. Her eyes stare at you,  imploringly. You've always liked her eyes.

She's bright eyed. She's beautiful in a way that's so innocent that it makes you feel like taking her under your wings and shielding her from evil. She's smart and the last time you saw her, you told her about your unfinished novel.

So, now, when she asks about your stories, whether she can read them, you're not surprised. You only smile and let her read.

First, you show her the ones on Microsoft. Then Facebook. 'Dim lights in the rain.' 'Rape, heels and love.' 'I took a few paces away.' Then your blog thephienix.blogspot.com. 'Stories from home,' and 'red dust in the rain.'

She loves them and smiles as she reads them ravishingly. You see her face through the corner of your eyes as you try not to cry tears onto the pages of the Julian Barnes 'Talking it over,' that you're reading. Love stories make you cry these days.

But, the girls presence and interest in your stories is keeping you from the tears.

But, soon the bell tolls and she stands up to say 'Iam going, dear friend. Try to be happy for me. Even though I don't really know yet, why you're sad.'

She smiles. 'you're a fine story teller. You're a good man. Will I see you again?'

As you watch her go, you feel a renewed emptiness. A hard ache localised on your heart.

'Will I see you again?'

That was the same question THE ONE asked when she broke the news.

Every pain seem refreshed now and you begin to think about the one who's now gone away because you didn't make her understand that you needed her more than anything in life.

Because when you hurt her, and she cried, you took her for granted. And when she asked for assurances, you said nothing reassuring. You did nothing to make her believe.

You waited and waited to be sure that you could make her happy. You wanted to be sure that you were what she needed. You were being too hesitant when all she wanted was a word to make a her believe. But, you only wanted to be sure that she loved you. You love her more than life itself. 

Until she went away and then you started playing passenger's 'let her go' on repeat and stopped eating and stopping sleeping and started thinking about death and the end.

Ashes and dust and the realisation that nothing else but her, mattered to you. That  you could burn down the world for her sake. That there's nothing you needed more than to have her forever.

'How could you not have seen that your life revolved around her?' was the question of the old woman who had seen you break down on the day she went away. 'You should've done something reassuring.'

You know it's all your fault and it hurts. You know. And there's a pain that comes with knowing.

By now, your teen friend turns back at the door to look a you. Her eyes are exactly like those of the one that's now gone. Like sunset in the middle of harmattan.

You open your mouth and try to say 'please stay a little longer' but, something keeps you from saying those words.

She's still a teenager. A young teenager. And you can only help her and not try to make her help you. Besides, you're the man.

Then, you realise that there's nothing else keeping you at the clinic especially now that she's going away. And so, you pack up your things to leave.

***

You're about to get in your car when you hear someone call out. 'Dear, wait!'

You turn and it's the girl, your young friend. She taps you on the shoulder and says, 'don't worry, you'll love someone again. You have a good heart. You'll find someone else to love.'

You are so startled and you want to tell her that you are not sad about love or a girl.

'You're wrong,' you try to lie but, she's looking straight into your eyes. So you say, half heartedly, 'the break time is over. Hurry now.' You're sure she sees through your soul.

***

You drive off, feeling the mist in your eyes as bastille's 'oblivion,' filters out from the stereo.

It'll be Sia's 'bloodstream,' playing later and after that , 'don't you forget me,' by Enrique Iglesia. You've arranged the songs in a certain order.

You know you'll never have her again. Yet, you know you'll never be able to forget her.

You found love but, you let it go away.